10-01-2014, 12:52 PM
hi tamara. there's a dark sensuality here that i find very appealing,
like an old black and white Hollywood movie, film noir if you will...
i think there are a few places that can be tightened up though:
like an old black and white Hollywood movie, film noir if you will...
i think there are a few places that can be tightened up though:
(10-01-2014, 12:11 AM)Tamara Wrote: the landscape
drew cumulus green;
the full moon shattered, <--great alliteration with the "f" sounds starting here
falling in the dark night,
its pale glow
fringed the head of trees,
fireflies
in the muted sky.
my backyard was outlined
by the frayed edges
of the moon, its ghostlike images. <-- you use moon here a second time in such a short poem, difficult to change it up with a synonym but i think the image is implied anyway
I swept the rooms;
in the woods nearby
moss steadily crept
and consumed my backyard. <-- same here with backyard, a second time.

