10-01-2014, 02:20 AM
crow,
Sounds like Matthew Broderick does NPR. At times when you spoke quickly, you would not enunciate well. I think if you are going to do a first person narrative you need to give it more substance and less repetition. Too many obvious cliches. Just because this is more a narrative than a poem doesn't mean a lower standard is OK, you still need fresh language.
"forces beyond my control have conspired to... "
"in the grand scheme of things"
A little rambling is fine if done well. The sentence that starts with "But some do it after rolling down a hill and into a lake..." isn't. In fact, that was about where I started losing interest while listening to this.
"but I sit and they light the candle again and it’s so fantastic..." I thought he had gone home?!
As a written work, this lacks enough substance to support all the rambling. To use a cliche (you did so I guess I can also), it collapses under its own weight.
dale
Sounds like Matthew Broderick does NPR. At times when you spoke quickly, you would not enunciate well. I think if you are going to do a first person narrative you need to give it more substance and less repetition. Too many obvious cliches. Just because this is more a narrative than a poem doesn't mean a lower standard is OK, you still need fresh language.
"forces beyond my control have conspired to... "
"in the grand scheme of things"
A little rambling is fine if done well. The sentence that starts with "But some do it after rolling down a hill and into a lake..." isn't. In fact, that was about where I started losing interest while listening to this.
"but I sit and they light the candle again and it’s so fantastic..." I thought he had gone home?!
As a written work, this lacks enough substance to support all the rambling. To use a cliche (you did so I guess I can also), it collapses under its own weight.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.