09-30-2014, 11:56 AM
I did as instructed and only listened. Excellent delivery. Looked at the script afterwards
and it's what you expect from a script. Print is expected to be there waiting for you (that's
mostly what we do here). A script can be utter crap (not that yours is) and a good actor
can make it diamond. Of course yours needs rework/editing to make it what you'd want.
One suggestion I can give you is to take out all words, phrases, etc. that have anything
to do with 'crazy', 'weird', etc. You deliver it sincerely, that's your strength; but don't overtly
self-evaluate, keep that implied, not mentioned. The golden pill is so-so. The mentioned
names are great.
This:
"and striking matches we go holding our candles into the wind refusing to set fires and saying that I know glory and how great we are matters not at all in the grand scheme of things in which somebody may spot us being in love and come upon us naked and be suddenly afraid and run and trip and roll down a hill into the water and driving home soaked wish that somebody . . . somebody in the great new baptized world would understand what it meant and knock on my face and put my clothes in the dryer because what does it mean if I’m afraid of people in love but that I need it and there is some significance to life human pinballs wouldn’t need to dream of Arizona human pinballs wouldn’t stop on a dime and keep spinning while they reflect blue opium sunsets to people they want to smile at and I let go of the reigns and the horses refuse to vacate the premises and I will not whistle to them to take me where I do not want to go to the laundromat on South Hampton when north of the world the sun casts a shadow which could eat the world and me with it but I sit and they light the candle again"
is one of the best parts. But then I love breathless run-on poems
that are more audible than readable. My liking it will not buy
you coffee, or even the plastic cup, but maybe it will provide a
sharp jab of pleasure.
Ray
P.S. In your script I read:
"and trip and roll down a hill into the water"
I was wondering if you ever saw a film by Robert Bresson
called 'Mouchette'?
"Initially, Mouchette’s rolling down the hill appears to be no more than a little game
she’s invented, perhaps a way to sully the dress given to her by her mother. She ascends
the hill, wraps herself in the dress again and rolls down the hill towards the river with
the sound of her body and clogs banging down the hill. This results in her being tangled
in some shrubbery alongside the river. On the third trip down the hill Bresson follows
Mouchette with the camera, panning to a certain point and then stopping to allow her to
leave the frame. We hear a splash off-screen which Bresson cuts to a moderately high-angled
shot of the water rippling and Mouchette’s muslin dress caught in the brush. We expect her
to re-emerge from the murky water, but she never does."
and it's what you expect from a script. Print is expected to be there waiting for you (that's
mostly what we do here). A script can be utter crap (not that yours is) and a good actor
can make it diamond. Of course yours needs rework/editing to make it what you'd want.
One suggestion I can give you is to take out all words, phrases, etc. that have anything
to do with 'crazy', 'weird', etc. You deliver it sincerely, that's your strength; but don't overtly
self-evaluate, keep that implied, not mentioned. The golden pill is so-so. The mentioned
names are great.
This:
"and striking matches we go holding our candles into the wind refusing to set fires and saying that I know glory and how great we are matters not at all in the grand scheme of things in which somebody may spot us being in love and come upon us naked and be suddenly afraid and run and trip and roll down a hill into the water and driving home soaked wish that somebody . . . somebody in the great new baptized world would understand what it meant and knock on my face and put my clothes in the dryer because what does it mean if I’m afraid of people in love but that I need it and there is some significance to life human pinballs wouldn’t need to dream of Arizona human pinballs wouldn’t stop on a dime and keep spinning while they reflect blue opium sunsets to people they want to smile at and I let go of the reigns and the horses refuse to vacate the premises and I will not whistle to them to take me where I do not want to go to the laundromat on South Hampton when north of the world the sun casts a shadow which could eat the world and me with it but I sit and they light the candle again"
is one of the best parts. But then I love breathless run-on poems
that are more audible than readable. My liking it will not buy
you coffee, or even the plastic cup, but maybe it will provide a
sharp jab of pleasure.
Ray
P.S. In your script I read:
"and trip and roll down a hill into the water"
I was wondering if you ever saw a film by Robert Bresson
called 'Mouchette'?
"Initially, Mouchette’s rolling down the hill appears to be no more than a little game
she’s invented, perhaps a way to sully the dress given to her by her mother. She ascends
the hill, wraps herself in the dress again and rolls down the hill towards the river with
the sound of her body and clogs banging down the hill. This results in her being tangled
in some shrubbery alongside the river. On the third trip down the hill Bresson follows
Mouchette with the camera, panning to a certain point and then stopping to allow her to
leave the frame. We hear a splash off-screen which Bresson cuts to a moderately high-angled
shot of the water rippling and Mouchette’s muslin dress caught in the brush. We expect her
to re-emerge from the murky water, but she never does."
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions