09-29-2014, 12:31 AM
(09-28-2014, 12:40 PM)Tamara Wrote: The font size is too small! Overall I would say that the poem sets a very nice image. Is 'you decide to leave' a deliberate phrasing over something such as 'you left'? As it stands there's this rather apathetic feeling of light regret, and I really like it. The only flaw in my opinion is 'I sing a lone song'. It doesn't really add to the image, and while it leads to the last 2 beautiful lines, it feels very obligatory. It may be just me, but I feel that silence from the narrator have more impact than a song. If a song, then I would love to 'hear' it come alive.
Teak wood flowers, snow drops
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early.
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle.
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