Eternal Turn Around
#4
(09-28-2014, 12:20 PM)Tamara Wrote:  
(09-27-2014, 11:11 AM)Starbeam Wrote:  I pray.
I breathe.
I feel a tighting of shame round my dove shaped wrists.
Entrapped. Blank. At stress break point.
Layered with years of listening to unspoken whispers of a forgotten promise.
Lies from the entangled mesh of a smile/frown twist.
Years forgotten that I have a voice.
Years forgotten that I have my choice.  
On my knees beneath His sky, I rise.
Refusing to regret one step in truth.
I turn around embraced by my Creator, my Father, my God.
Unwrapped to my life-breathed face.  
I know His voice, I feel my choice
I forget my pain and beat my heart.
Consume His Love forever light
My breast expands, a sanctuary, now.
I can forget, He has and did.
I live, the infinite - Heaven IS.
The period in the lines give it a staccato effect. But the poem is ridden with cliches. I like the spiritual vibe but maybe you could rework it with better word choices and tighten it by removing the redundant words and lines.
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Messages In This Thread
Eternal Turn Around - by Starbeam - 09-27-2014, 11:11 AM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Starbeam - 09-28-2014, 11:12 AM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Tamara - 09-28-2014, 12:20 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Starbeam - 09-28-2014, 12:37 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Starbeam - 09-28-2014, 12:39 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Tamara - 09-28-2014, 12:44 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Starbeam - 09-28-2014, 08:38 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by vagabond - 11-24-2014, 02:57 AM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by lock1 - 11-24-2014, 03:23 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by zahrakh - 11-24-2014, 09:12 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Liz11 - 11-25-2014, 01:41 PM
RE: Eternal Turn Around - by Christoph2 - 11-26-2014, 03:20 PM



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