Mommy Had a Vice (poem)

[billy]

you could have post here after 1 piece of feedback stanley, with five you can post site wide.

to the poem;

in some places i think less could be more all i had were small nits about excess word use and the last stanza being a little forced. i got from the poem that mom took speed maybe but that was it. (okay it seemed she also had a violence about her) but i never saw the reason why.

thanks for the crit/feedback you've already given :J: and the poem.

I have completed my required 5 critiques recently. I am anxious to receive some feedback of my own, so I am posting my first poem here, I have read the rules over enough to believe this is a legal post, but If not I beg pardon, and ask for clarity.

"Mommy Had a Vice"


Mommy had a habit of popping rabbit tails, a suggestion would be a [comma,] instead of [of] an intriguing first line as i have no idea what rabbit tails are, a guess would be an upper.
cocktail tornadoes never seemed too far between, is seemed needed?
and she washed it all down with ivory and lavender, is and needed
the irony, a wonder, her avarice never did her any justice.

Mommy bore a Tommy gun,
just to turn it on herself, is just needed?
she called it Miss Take,
to her Miss Give (a damn). would Gave work better? i didn't find this stanza as interesting as the first.

Mom-my, Rocked- me, Slow-ly,
Mom-my, Lulled- me, Lang-uid-ly, i like the perception of slow with the hyphen, more so after a few reads.
in a fatal cradle,
never taught me how to have a halo.

Mommy had a vice, force grip
of her own device, but
she never thought twice, in doubt-
about what she could have done to suffice. this stanza feel a bit forced.