09-25-2014, 06:31 PM
much better. i prefer unceremoniously as it gives the image of the paper residue rising.
not sure about the dry/leaves, enjambment
and i still feel i should know a bit more about the why of it than i do.
not sure about the dry/leaves, enjambment
and i still feel i should know a bit more about the why of it than i do.
(09-25-2014, 05:53 PM)brandontoh Wrote: 1st edit:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
into a hill.
Burned paper, dry
leaves, unceremoniously.
Flames quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no pulp, no ink,
just grey.
original:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
up into a hill.
Burnt paper, dried
leaves, without romance.
Flames flat, quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no white, no black,
just grey.