Elevator Music

[brandontoh]

It's a simple poem, with a clear image, but there seems to be something lacking overall. Lines 4, 5 and 6 can use some rephrasing to amplify the snappy or awkward nature of the elevator trip. As they stand, they're rather flat. I suggest elaborating on the image of battle, by evoking a stronger sense of the man struggling and thinking of talking but being unable to.

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.