Love is Work

[ellajam]

Hi, Mwaba don. When members post critiques in a workshop they are not asking for explanations. They are offering you their insights as readers, including pointing out parts of your poem they feel could be improved.

If you are not interested in considering the views of readers as possibilities for editing you may want to consider posting in Misc or Fun. Each forum and its level of critique is described on its lead page, please give them a read if you haven't already.

Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,

in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,

 a Solitariness born of emptiness

In search of a longing so deep, love! It's very wordy (for example, line 2 uses 10 words to essentially say "lonely").  (line two is mentioning loneliness it is not explaining it! line three is the one which is explaining loneliness! This is not meant to be a visual poem! It meant to relay how love is work,  so focus on the meaning not the images. It is not a descriptive poem that is, it is not describing an image!).


Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces,

confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,

what better way to put it?

Love is Work! I can definitely understand how love is work, but I don't really get anything from the first three lines in the stanza. I would try and make some concrete imagery to demonstrate how love is work. i.e: (love is enjoying (or preparing) a homemade meal even when it's burnt). ( the poem was not intended to describe images!)


Truly all love is work,

for all work moves forces,

in collisions of agreements or disagreements,

but out of it all, understanding. I think this is your best stanza; I don't really get the "all work moves forces" bit, but I like the third line a lot. I would remove the second comma in the stanza. (work requires force in order to achieve something and those force are moved in collisions of agreements or disagreements).



Understanding! A great delight,

peace and awareness dwell in it,

and in its awareness, pathways

to fulfillment of ones desires. There's nothing concrete I can visualize or hear or feel or taste in this stanza, which is my main problem with most of the poem. It's mostly vague ideas like: "peace", "awareness", "desires", "delight", "love" which don't really make me feel anything; it's telling me how you/narrator feels. Try and show these concepts with concrete images (obviously this is easier said than done) in order to transmit the feeling, not just the idea.
(This stanza simply mentions the characteristics which are found in love. And if one was aware to them they would aid him or her to achieving his or her goals)



Truly, all love is work,

for one can work towards ones joys,

thus, when we work, we make love,

for the fruit of it is Joy.



Truly, all love is work,

surely one must meditate on love, which is work,

and through patience,

surely something will happen!

I definitely agree that love is work, but the poem didn't really make me feel anything. The best advice I can give you would be to try and insert some specific examples of love being work i.e: (staying up all night to take a kid to the hospital for an ear infection, saving up money for college education, making a homemade meal (and appreciating the effort even if the meal sucks), etc). All the best, WJ

Hopefully everything i have said will help you see things from my perception.