Mwaba Don
#3
(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades.
Slowly I become attractively restless
as my fear of expression wanes.
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty. 
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance

You have captured the moment beautifully and it's very visual. Some good images here.

I did not get what you meant by 'attractively restless'. and why was there a fear of expression? nothing in the poem supports that  (except I cannot afford to darkle) which makes those two lines ambiguous. I personally wouldn't use upper case for perfect muse of dance. it might be better off as italics. You can trim down a few redundant words and lines to make it more effective. 
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Messages In This Thread
Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-20-2014, 10:00 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Tamara - 09-21-2014, 03:04 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-21-2014, 10:12 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-21-2014, 10:17 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by billy - 09-21-2014, 05:57 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-21-2014, 10:25 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by beaufort - 09-22-2014, 03:04 AM
RE: Mwaba Don - by simmon - 09-22-2014, 06:52 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by RichPy - 09-26-2014, 05:24 AM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Starbeam - 09-26-2014, 12:30 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by vagabond - 11-18-2014, 11:51 AM
RE: Mwaba Don - by PurpleFluff - 11-18-2014, 01:18 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by azure - 11-18-2014, 10:20 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Isaias - 11-23-2014, 03:25 AM



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