Haibun for a Black Cat
#8
(09-13-2014, 08:16 AM)Heartafire Wrote:  Hi Mark, I'm not following you, don't be afraid.  Actually I have forgotten how to post here but here goes.

Quote:Black cat, unable to suppress the panther within, I knew from the moment that I first watched you casually stroll across my garden that you were a different kind of feline altogether. With one nonchalant glance you left me in no doubt that any casualties caused by yourself were ultimately my fault. It was me who invited the birds into the garden with offers of food and it was my decision to plant the New Zealand fern in close proximity to the bird table inadvertently  providing you with excellent cover for an ambush. Over the next few weeks you demonstrated to me your jungle ways with great efficiency, clinical kills from various positions and the ability to always remain calm; regardless of the situation. So when, from inside my house I heard the all too familiar cacophony of squawks, squeals and scuffling coming from the garden, I walked outside knowing you had struck again.
 
This is marvelous, I love it! I might follow "garden" with  "I knew" and drop it in the first line and perhaps use you rather than "yourself" in l3; was instead of were.   I adore this light and amusing piece of delightful short prose, you really have a wonderful gift of expression that makes me smile.  Your haiku is one of the best I have read, it's really special. Please ignore my input at will :-)
Heart
Hi Holly, I'm sure you are following me  Smile or the black cat or perhaps the poppy. It's good to see you here.
I agree entirely with all of your suggestions regarding the prose and have edited accordingly and it does read a lot smoother. Thank you for the kind words and suggestions for edits.
Take care,
Mark
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
Haibun for a Black Cat - by Magpie - 09-04-2014, 01:36 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by just mercedes - 09-04-2014, 05:16 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by Magpie - 09-05-2014, 02:18 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by justcloudy - 09-05-2014, 04:00 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by Magpie - 09-12-2014, 12:22 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by justcloudy - 09-12-2014, 04:15 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by Heartafire - 09-13-2014, 08:16 AM
RE: Haibun for a Black Cat - by Magpie - 09-20-2014, 10:16 AM



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