09-20-2014, 01:18 AM
(09-19-2014, 03:03 PM)makeshift Wrote: This first stanza reminded me of something Isaac Hayes might say. Like a monologue off a soul or RnB record. The poems biggest flaw might be that its too wordy. The second stanza had a strong sexual connotation, that I think was intentional? "pour my cup on you" and "my fouls" particularly. All the sexual stuff relates to the "man's instincts" from the start. If this were my poem I think I would narrow it down to the bare-bones, really figure out what is essential to include in order to communicate what I want to say, then add the nice poetic bits. What I take from your poem, in general, is a sort of primal affection. Something makes me think this one would be better as spoken word then written poetry. Anyway just my 2cents. Thanx for sharing.Yes, the 2nd stanza was intentional and meant to relate everything to how deep the affection was. At the time or even now i don't think i thought of any other poetic bits. It was totally meant to express deep affection.