09-19-2014, 04:36 PM
Hi Keith,
Please never apoligise for leaving me any crit - reguardless of which section I have randomly posted things in. Your comments are always most appreciated and valued.
I think I might well do an edit now with your suggestions considered.
In referance to the moseying line, I was trying to give an image of the relaxed, companionship of the mare herd as they follow thier normal grazing habit. The rows word does not have to stay that is just the phisical representation of what I see but is not essential to the read although I was going for the sound balance off groves, just a half rhyme.
My phisical picture I was trying to relate was as follows:- we have orchard rows and at certain times of the year, i put the horses in to graze them. 15 horses in the herd so they spread out over about 3 rows and graze in tandom up and down the rows. Like a lot of grazing animals horses follow a daily grazing pattern. I know where they will be at any time of the day. It was this sense of family bond and behaviour I was trying to convey, so that the line about the herd leaving her behind is in stark comparision. I think as usual i am being too anal about the true to life aspect of my read when in truth 90% of my readers could not careless about the aspects of horse behaviour. So in all probability your comments are spot on.
Now just to decide to cut these lines or try a substitute.
Any thoughts?
I am playing with just cutting that line and an edit on the per line so that they read:-
At noon
they drank from the brook
and then again around four;
by habit, the herd
But if you had any suggestions as substitue word for moseying i would like to hear them.
Thanks kieth - you're a star as ever.
AJ.
[url=http://uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/][/url]
Please never apoligise for leaving me any crit - reguardless of which section I have randomly posted things in. Your comments are always most appreciated and valued.
I think I might well do an edit now with your suggestions considered.
In referance to the moseying line, I was trying to give an image of the relaxed, companionship of the mare herd as they follow thier normal grazing habit. The rows word does not have to stay that is just the phisical representation of what I see but is not essential to the read although I was going for the sound balance off groves, just a half rhyme.
My phisical picture I was trying to relate was as follows:- we have orchard rows and at certain times of the year, i put the horses in to graze them. 15 horses in the herd so they spread out over about 3 rows and graze in tandom up and down the rows. Like a lot of grazing animals horses follow a daily grazing pattern. I know where they will be at any time of the day. It was this sense of family bond and behaviour I was trying to convey, so that the line about the herd leaving her behind is in stark comparision. I think as usual i am being too anal about the true to life aspect of my read when in truth 90% of my readers could not careless about the aspects of horse behaviour. So in all probability your comments are spot on.
Now just to decide to cut these lines or try a substitute.
Any thoughts?
I am playing with just cutting that line and an edit on the per line so that they read:-
At noon
they drank from the brook
and then again around four;
by habit, the herd
But if you had any suggestions as substitue word for moseying i would like to hear them.
Thanks kieth - you're a star as ever.
AJ.
[url=http://uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/][/url]