09-19-2014, 03:03 PM
This first stanza reminded me of something Isaac Hayes might say. Like a monologue off a soul or RnB record. The poems biggest flaw might be that its too wordy. The second stanza had a strong sexual connotation, that I think was intentional? "pour my cup on you" and "my fouls" particularly. All the sexual stuff relates to the "man's instincts" from the start. If this were my poem I think I would narrow it down to the bare-bones, really figure out what is essential to include in order to communicate what I want to say, then add the nice poetic bits. What I take from your poem, in general, is a sort of primal affection. Something makes me think this one would be better as spoken word then written poetry. Anyway just my 2cents. Thnx for sharing.