mother

[cjchaffin]

Hi,

Okay, let's start with title. Its flat. After reading this a number of times, I think you have a line in your poem that makes a better title and might help direct your thoughts.

She Was So Many Different Adjectives

Now maybe mix it up. The adjectives actually hurt the piece. Here's some ideas to consider. What if you used that title and than played against it.

Just for illustration:

L1 that now seem so inadequate.
L2 (take one of your adjectives) Small and fragile
became her asleep on the couch
wrapped in a thin afghan.

Or lose the adjectives entirely and just move from image to image

Just something to consider

I do like your last strophe quite a bit because the action gives the scene more poignance.

Nearly all the rest of it should probably be reworked savagely.

Hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

I used to think of her
as being larger than life—
beautiful in her righteous anger,
frightening with her quiet, resounding stares—
a warm, comforting shell

filled with cool, steely resolve.
She was so many different adjectives
and I could fill pages describing her.
Now she is simply small and fragile,
asleep on the couch with a thin afghan.

She naps in the heat of the day
and dreams of her own mother.
She smiles with her eyes closed
as I pull the blanket over bony shoulders,
push silver hair behind her ear.

absolutely, Todd. i was thinking of scrapping the first strophe entirely and starting in the second. thank you so much for the feedback. and i'll think on a different title as well.