The barn's on fire

[Keith]

Edit 2 Thanks to all

Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.

His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes,
they close slowly, resigned.

But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry
as Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets
as smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Hi Keith,
I was not tempted to have a go at this excellent work but having read the crits I am acutely aware of the lack of one word in the piece which deserves a mention....namely the barn. I am, however, part Scottish and cannot resist the temptation to add one line to the end...It is this:
"Oh my God...the bairn's on fire"

This has no poetic benefits and you may think it frivolous or even distasteful....and I would not argue.The point, though, is that a contrived closure to any piece should be clear in intent. After all, it is after all. As to dragging something "backwards" it is of no relevance and yet from the perspective of you, the writer, it seems to be of mysterious import. You could try:

The grass sways with a secret
on the wind; a sigh, a child's cry.
Jess drags something dark
out through the barn door.

Your poem and I come late.
Best,
tectak

Thanks Tectak [b]"Oh my God...the bairn's on fire I will have a think on how to work it in, Jess is sleeping at the moment so I will let her lie for the now thanks for taking the time Keith[/b]