09-13-2014, 04:53 PM
MACRO on "Diana"
cjchaffin,
There's a helluva poem here, but you have to make some decisions.
Actors
First, is there a painting? If so, is that painting personified? In sum, is this a poem about something erotic or about eroticism? Second, are there brushes and paint? If so, what role do they play? Are they mimicking? Are they standing in for hands and fingers? Are they physical or imagined? Third, is the model aware of you? Nothing in the poem suggests that she is. In fact, the final stanza suggests THE OPPOSITE. If your model doesn't do what you asked, that makes it more likely that she didn't hear you than that she is defying you. The fact that your request isn't quoted reinforces the idea that you thought "don't smile" but did not say it.
Effect
What effect are you trying to achieve? I'm going to convey the facts of your poem in as few words as possible.
"I paint her. She blushes. I get nervous. She smiles even though I asked her not to." In any revision, you get 17 words that you can use for something besides generating an effect.
What effect is it that you want? Surprise? Delight? Embarrassment? Disgust? Bemusement? Right now, it is entirely unclear.
Shape
What are your events and in what order do you want them? Should she be right-away naked? When should you get nervous? Should you start in the field or somewhere else? There's a summer in the poem, and there's the barest suggestion of winter (alabaster skin is a wintertime characteristic). Would the poem be better served by a winter? If so, does it come first or last? Right now, you end with her disobeying you. Why is it important for that to go last? Was she under your sway earlier? What changed? When did it change?
Really go for it with this one. There's something truly magnificent in it, if you can shake it free.
All the best,
crow
cjchaffin,
There's a helluva poem here, but you have to make some decisions.
Actors
First, is there a painting? If so, is that painting personified? In sum, is this a poem about something erotic or about eroticism? Second, are there brushes and paint? If so, what role do they play? Are they mimicking? Are they standing in for hands and fingers? Are they physical or imagined? Third, is the model aware of you? Nothing in the poem suggests that she is. In fact, the final stanza suggests THE OPPOSITE. If your model doesn't do what you asked, that makes it more likely that she didn't hear you than that she is defying you. The fact that your request isn't quoted reinforces the idea that you thought "don't smile" but did not say it.
Effect
What effect are you trying to achieve? I'm going to convey the facts of your poem in as few words as possible.
"I paint her. She blushes. I get nervous. She smiles even though I asked her not to." In any revision, you get 17 words that you can use for something besides generating an effect.
What effect is it that you want? Surprise? Delight? Embarrassment? Disgust? Bemusement? Right now, it is entirely unclear.
Shape
What are your events and in what order do you want them? Should she be right-away naked? When should you get nervous? Should you start in the field or somewhere else? There's a summer in the poem, and there's the barest suggestion of winter (alabaster skin is a wintertime characteristic). Would the poem be better served by a winter? If so, does it come first or last? Right now, you end with her disobeying you. Why is it important for that to go last? Was she under your sway earlier? What changed? When did it change?
Really go for it with this one. There's something truly magnificent in it, if you can shake it free.
All the best,
crow
A yak is normal.