09-13-2014, 04:34 PM
This is a confusing piece to me though the idea is good and can turn into a good poem.
Devoured by wolves, (Metaphor but here it sounds like someome's been actually eaten by real wolves. What these wolves are?)
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.(nice, these three lines)
A tide of jaws, (tide of jaws? awkward)
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise. (interesting but wordy)
I take the bait.
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.
Somehow this is reminding me of the twilight novels, :p I like the imagery but you need to expound it, add meaning to it. For now it feels more about an attack of wolves and the fear causes. Keep writing
Devoured by wolves, (Metaphor but here it sounds like someome's been actually eaten by real wolves. What these wolves are?)
suffer their hollow call.
I am pulled under,
the terrible deep enthralls.(nice, these three lines)
A tide of jaws, (tide of jaws? awkward)
stills the marrow.
Slick hides sever sweet escape.
I burn to breath,
a jagged pill promise. (interesting but wordy)
I take the bait.
Starving teeth shatter oaths,
mercilessly hacked into bone.
The wolves they crawl within,
with claws they burrow parasitic,
under tortured skin.
Steeled for the kill,
the pack closes in.
Savages howling for a laugh,
ensnaring sinful wings,
razor back hackles pierce the heart.
Somehow this is reminding me of the twilight novels, :p I like the imagery but you need to expound it, add meaning to it. For now it feels more about an attack of wolves and the fear causes. Keep writing