09-13-2014, 04:15 PM
This is mostly amplifying billy's comments, which have a back-to-basics flavor to my mind. I'll proofread it first, then I'll give a line-by, but the macro is what I'm most interested in.
Proofer's edit:
[Diana]
--please put the title above the poem in the actual post. Otw, it gets missed.
I paint [Diana] in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
[her] proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--IMPORTANT: you've got an ambiguity that runs throughout this poem, and I'd bet a dollar it's intentional. Heresit: you want the act of painting and the act of touching to merge. Problematically, this works as a simile, but confuses as a metaphor. That is, if the brush "like warm fingers" traces, I understand. But if the "warm fingers" that trace are, by metaphor, the brush, I get super lost.
--On a personal note, this might be the first time I've ever understood the utility of similes. Cool.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin[,]
--"mimic" is wrong. Either the depositions of the strokes mimic the color of skin or else, as above, the strokes are mimicking touching the skin.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--"dimpled" is wrong. You want either "mottled" or one of its synonyms.
--the semi is wrong. You want a period. Why? The sentences are not twin in any way. Rather, the sentence following the semi carries through with the notion of increasing arousal.
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--needs a color word to carry the sequence. the move from alabaster to pink to "fires" doesn't work.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--the ", and" is wrong. It doesn't seem so at first, but look again. Building the sentence in this way attributes your nervousness to her blushing. That is, she is blushing both because she is aroused and you are nervous.
----There are ways of parsing the sentence that invalidate this comment, BUT here again, we're into the problem of the artist painting. That is, it is plausible that your nervousness alone is causing you to paint the blush where none exists.
----NOTE: that latter possibility is a FAR MORE INTERESTING read. If you were to look up from the aroused, blushing portrait to see your model remaining pale--that'd be cool.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--prefer "with" to "in"
I ask her not to smile[,]
but she does anyway.
--sequence problem here. Does she smile because you ask her not to--that is, after the request--or was I supposed to understand that the narrowed eyes imply smiling?
Proofer's edit:
[Diana]
--please put the title above the poem in the actual post. Otw, it gets missed.
I paint [Diana] in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
[her] proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--IMPORTANT: you've got an ambiguity that runs throughout this poem, and I'd bet a dollar it's intentional. Heresit: you want the act of painting and the act of touching to merge. Problematically, this works as a simile, but confuses as a metaphor. That is, if the brush "like warm fingers" traces, I understand. But if the "warm fingers" that trace are, by metaphor, the brush, I get super lost.
--On a personal note, this might be the first time I've ever understood the utility of similes. Cool.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin[,]
--"mimic" is wrong. Either the depositions of the strokes mimic the color of skin or else, as above, the strokes are mimicking touching the skin.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--"dimpled" is wrong. You want either "mottled" or one of its synonyms.
--the semi is wrong. You want a period. Why? The sentences are not twin in any way. Rather, the sentence following the semi carries through with the notion of increasing arousal.
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--needs a color word to carry the sequence. the move from alabaster to pink to "fires" doesn't work.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--the ", and" is wrong. It doesn't seem so at first, but look again. Building the sentence in this way attributes your nervousness to her blushing. That is, she is blushing both because she is aroused and you are nervous.
----There are ways of parsing the sentence that invalidate this comment, BUT here again, we're into the problem of the artist painting. That is, it is plausible that your nervousness alone is causing you to paint the blush where none exists.
----NOTE: that latter possibility is a FAR MORE INTERESTING read. If you were to look up from the aroused, blushing portrait to see your model remaining pale--that'd be cool.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--prefer "with" to "in"
I ask her not to smile[,]
but she does anyway.
--sequence problem here. Does she smile because you ask her not to--that is, after the request--or was I supposed to understand that the narrowed eyes imply smiling?
A yak is normal.