09-12-2014, 01:41 PM
(09-05-2014, 01:32 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: I paint her in summer sun,- this seems somewhat unnatural I would say in the simmer sun, and the sibilants could be replaced by more descriptive words.
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat - summer and August May be redundant but August heat is not a bad phrase with the idea of pride in there.
tracing circles over taut flesh.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile
but she does anyway.
A feminist, or a female reader of poetry might be abhorred at how you've reduced Diana. However, there is some pretty good language here. Maybe she can wield a flail or something and brandish it at this hopeful guy.