09-11-2014, 09:58 AM
Don't start every line with a capitol, only the ones that start a sentence. The way it is now, makes it difficult to read.
"Below a lonely street lamp's light," How can a lamp's light be lonely?
"I watched, transfixed". Tense is incorrect, should be "I watch (no comma) transfixed". The first three lines are in present tense.
"In a moonless winter night,
Standing against a weathered wall,
Below a lonely street lamp's light,"
I am standing against a weathered wall
on a moonless winter's night,
down the road I see a lonely street lamp,
casting a faint yellowish circle on the cobblestones> (or whatever your material of choice.
I'm all for terseness, but there is nothing here that deserves it, especially as this is a narrative. The reader has to see through the speaker's eyes, don't make the reader have to guess about what is being seen. Slicing it up only makes it more unclear, not poetic.
Dale
"Below a lonely street lamp's light," How can a lamp's light be lonely?
"I watched, transfixed". Tense is incorrect, should be "I watch (no comma) transfixed". The first three lines are in present tense.
"In a moonless winter night,
Standing against a weathered wall,
Below a lonely street lamp's light,"
I am standing against a weathered wall
on a moonless winter's night,
down the road I see a lonely street lamp,
casting a faint yellowish circle on the cobblestones> (or whatever your material of choice.
I'm all for terseness, but there is nothing here that deserves it, especially as this is a narrative. The reader has to see through the speaker's eyes, don't make the reader have to guess about what is being seen. Slicing it up only makes it more unclear, not poetic.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.