09-11-2014, 02:53 AM
I like the description of that character in this poem.
However,
Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out, (Sitting out sounds bit odd)
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. (this stanza needs a retouch, although it gives clear visuals but for a starting stanza perhaps you'd want to make it stronger.
The man has sat there now for years, (this sounds like he has been sitting constantly at one place for years)
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.
However,
Our neighbor, Jeff, is sitting out, (Sitting out sounds bit odd)
while drizzle falls, he leans and stares
as water gurgles down the spout
beside the window I look though. (this stanza needs a retouch, although it gives clear visuals but for a starting stanza perhaps you'd want to make it stronger.
The man has sat there now for years, (this sounds like he has been sitting constantly at one place for years)
not more than fifty feet away.
But still, my mother has her fears…
he talks and laughs up to the sky.