Coming To

[just mercedes]

Hi - there's a lot to like in your poem, and my suggestions are more nit-picking than anything, so I was reluctant to post - but you asked, so here goes -


I awake reluctantly. A ceiling fan stirs the heat,why 'awake'? Why not 'wake'?, as in I wake, I am awake
fingernails scratch (at whatever) itches (first), are words in brackets needed?
I may have dreamt of you, though, this line/stanza break, with the comma, just doesn't work for me. I think it better without the end line comma, and without the stanza break.

I remember little.

The mountains have much thinking to do, why?
redrawn beyond smog and Harley’s, Harley's what? if you meant motorbikes, then Harleys is correct
barely visible, forgiving the foolish desert. there go those mountains again. The personification doesn't work for me; I'm asking 'why thinking? forgiving whom, for what?'

Too much spaghetti for breakfast, not enough love that!
passion in the day, not enough oomph in the air-
the mish mash of trees outside the window hunch in uncertainty.the mish mash is singular, so the verb should be hunches - but why uncertainty?

(Nameless) jazz croaks from an open door down the hall
like a (pickled) bar hopper singing the depth of his soul,
a (seasoned beggar) revealing life’s (secret) meaning. lots of adjectives in this stanza - are they all needed? 'Life's secret meaning' skates on the edge of cliche for me

Empty bottles on my desk tower over the mug you painted –
are we who we say we are when the moon is so full? I like questions in poems, but I can't connect the thread of thought here which the dash leads me to expect
Does the smell of gasoline remind you of something (inexpressible)?

Memory clings to an ending: you were alone
in some swanky nighttime lounge,
a bruised saxophone was screaming about a woman. bruised and screaming don't fit together here for me

You looked unhappy, twirling a tiny umbrella
and when your eyes found mine,
I awoke itching to write myself out of amnesia. Besides that,

I remember little. I like the ending, and the way it takes me back to the beginning

I think you have a good poem here, just needs a little trimming. Thanks for posting it, and good luck!