quite a large edit which capture the scene much better.
just a couple of nits. the and and as at thend, with out them there feels to be greater tension within the poem. like when you wait for something and then it happens. it's like a 'wow' moment. or an 'awe' moment. good edit.
just a couple of nits. the and and as at thend, with out them there feels to be greater tension within the poem. like when you wait for something and then it happens. it's like a 'wow' moment. or an 'awe' moment. good edit.
(08-31-2014, 01:27 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 2 Thanks to all
Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.
His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes, would a semi colon work better here as it's a change of direction.
they close slowly, resigned.
But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry no need for and
as Jess drags something no need for as
backwards through the door.