Small Things

[ajcohen613]

Revision 2:
Black shutter opens the scene:
a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans,
an iridescent carapace purple-green
in the macro lens-reflected light.
Bristled with sparse whiskers
he penetrates the inferior
fly with his fangs.
Closer we are drawn,
inward to micro-organisms
colonizing his body like countless
lifeforms on a planet;
a chaos of larvae and their predators.
Fat white worms cannot escape
agile spiders moving
too fast for the eye. /as a general note, this poem seems overly busy. Some of the language seems a little too chockfull for me. For example, "Black shutter opens the scene:a dragonfly's wings buzzing like blurred fans,an iridescent carapace purple-green in the macro lens-reflected light" seems a tad bloated with description, especially for an opening. Try simplifying things. I'd give you an example of how to do so, but I'm rather tired. Just work with it, you have something here.

Original:
Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.