09-07-2014, 01:05 AM
Thank you all for your kind, helpful and thoughtful critiques!
CMCB, you're absolutely right about the lack of a supernatural element; I'd intended the "world beyond" to be a literal extra dimension, another sphere of existence, but because my inspiration ran out after the third verse I think that got a bit lost.
billy, I misspelt "repute" in L2 and have since corrected it. I think that may have gone some way to making it seem like an attempt at a rhyme with "stupor". Thank you for your valuable help with the meter; I'll use your suggestions re: S2.
justaboyimworthless and bloxx88, thank you both for conveying your feelings on reading this poem; that really helps me understand how readers actually, well, read this stuff I pull out of my arse
CMCB, you're absolutely right about the lack of a supernatural element; I'd intended the "world beyond" to be a literal extra dimension, another sphere of existence, but because my inspiration ran out after the third verse I think that got a bit lost.billy, I misspelt "repute" in L2 and have since corrected it. I think that may have gone some way to making it seem like an attempt at a rhyme with "stupor". Thank you for your valuable help with the meter; I'll use your suggestions re: S2.
justaboyimworthless and bloxx88, thank you both for conveying your feelings on reading this poem; that really helps me understand how readers actually, well, read this stuff I pull out of my arse
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe