09-06-2014, 03:30 AM
I enjoyed the premise of this poem. I agree with Bunx. I enjoy the balance between birth and death. I also agree with the other members' critiques and suggestions. Everything I was thinking has been said, except for an issue I have with transition between two lines. You wrote:
"I heard a voice that I had heard many times,
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I new I was alone in a box,
a box that has surrounded me throughout my life.
I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me."
Besides the spelling error with "new", I think there needs to be some more written between,
"...a box that has surrounded me throughout my life." and "I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me."
As I was reading I was searching for more explanation. What is this box? In other words, what exactly is confining you?
Thanks for sharing!
"I heard a voice that I had heard many times,
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I new I was alone in a box,
a box that has surrounded me throughout my life.
I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me."
Besides the spelling error with "new", I think there needs to be some more written between,
"...a box that has surrounded me throughout my life." and "I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me."
As I was reading I was searching for more explanation. What is this box? In other words, what exactly is confining you?
Thanks for sharing!