Diana

[cjchaffin]

I agree with much of what Todd has said, although I might be tempted to keep summer sun (even if borderline cliché) because it exudes wonderful assonance and alliteration. L9 could use more show and less tell. I do love the ending because we women rarely do as we are asked =)

mel.

haha! thanks mel. resistance is not futile, it's essential!

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Hi CJ,

As Todd has already done a line by line, I think I shall refrain. I have not read Todd's comments so as not to prejudice the poem/critique.

This poem seems to have some major flaws. The intro, which should be one of the strongest parts of the poem, comes off as though taken from a Romance Novel (I'm assuming I do not need to explicate that). When I read it, if I were reading it simple as a poem that had come my way, I would have stopped reading after the first stanza if not before. It is only the fact that I am reading it in order to do a critique that I progressed further.

The second stanza is better as it at least drops the triteness of the first stanza. Still it has a different flaw, as it acts as though either the painting has come alive, or the model is being effected by the brush strokes on the painting, e.g.,

"she is aroused, and I am nervous."

Who is the she? The painting or the model? As one would assume that the brush is touching the painting and not the model, either is inconsistent with what you state, i.e, that is that the "brushstrokes" are exciting the painting, which is not possible, at least not in this world, or the "brushstrokes" are exciting the model without touching her, which also is not usually possible. For either to be possible you would need to move the setting into some kind of realm, or fantasy world, where such things are possible, or create a special state in this one where such things are possible. You have done neither.

"her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—"

Also the em dash seems a tad ad hoc. It doesn't seem as though the line it is with is parenthetical.

If I wanted to be picky I would comment on:

"Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin"

How can brush strokes mimic skin?

But I'll let that pass.
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The last three lines I have little problem with, as they come across as in the moment and genuine. Despite that, they cannot salvage this poem, as I think either only the careless reader would make it that far, or an observant reader would abandon the poem before they reached the end. I say this not to criticize, but to give context for the critique. If a poem is written in such a way as to cause the reader to stop reading, either momentarily or complete, those items are obviously harmful to the poem.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

dale, thank you for the welcome, and for the keen eye.
i've got some work to do here and your observations
are just what i need to give me some perspective and direction.
i am most grateful.

chris