09-06-2014, 01:35 AM
This is definitely moving in the correct way. I'm kind of torn back and forth on the phrase "the sky will not fall" because I know you speaking metaphorically about the rain that follow as well as an allusion to a world ending. It borderlines being over-used as a phrase, but you might get away with it since it is pulling double duty.
S4--took me several reads to realize this was list of what was haunting you, and not comma spliced--I think mainly because of the gerund "leaving" and I wonder if the word 'absence' might work better, since it is more a concrete concept and less abstract. That way it might read as bit more parallel.
I'm not terribly keen on the title simply for the fact that it suggests nothing of the brilliance that the poem holds.
Regardless, these are tiny nits that don't take anything away from the fresh bold writing. Great piece.
mel
S4--took me several reads to realize this was list of what was haunting you, and not comma spliced--I think mainly because of the gerund "leaving" and I wonder if the word 'absence' might work better, since it is more a concrete concept and less abstract. That way it might read as bit more parallel.
I'm not terribly keen on the title simply for the fact that it suggests nothing of the brilliance that the poem holds.
Regardless, these are tiny nits that don't take anything away from the fresh bold writing. Great piece.
mel