Hi danny,
I've read this a number of times, and I'm having trouble with it. This could just be me, but let me try to explain where I'm coming from.
While there are changes that I might suggest here or there, there's good phrasing (L2 stands out for me), and there seems to be an element of viewing the couple through the lens of the raindrop which seems potentially interesting. So, I think there's potential here. The problem is in the payoff. I perceive this issue in my own poetry in certain pieces so this is not me saying follow these simple steps that I have mastered. It is more about saying why do I the reader care? Where is the emotional punch or the epiphany that sells the poem. This has an atmospheric sense to it. I think of poems like Steven's The Snow Man, or Ozymandias by Shelley, or many others. I'm getting interesting language and promise but I need to walk away with something that demands that I read this again.
That to me is missing. I'm not sure yet how to suggest you move forward, but I wanted to give you my feedback at the moment. I think there's something here that could be more than pretty and forgettable.
I'm not even sure this helps, but on the off chance it does I figured I'd say something.
Best,
Todd
I've read this a number of times, and I'm having trouble with it. This could just be me, but let me try to explain where I'm coming from.
While there are changes that I might suggest here or there, there's good phrasing (L2 stands out for me), and there seems to be an element of viewing the couple through the lens of the raindrop which seems potentially interesting. So, I think there's potential here. The problem is in the payoff. I perceive this issue in my own poetry in certain pieces so this is not me saying follow these simple steps that I have mastered. It is more about saying why do I the reader care? Where is the emotional punch or the epiphany that sells the poem. This has an atmospheric sense to it. I think of poems like Steven's The Snow Man, or Ozymandias by Shelley, or many others. I'm getting interesting language and promise but I need to walk away with something that demands that I read this again.
That to me is missing. I'm not sure yet how to suggest you move forward, but I wanted to give you my feedback at the moment. I think there's something here that could be more than pretty and forgettable.
I'm not even sure this helps, but on the off chance it does I figured I'd say something.
Best,
Todd
(09-05-2014, 12:34 PM)danny_ Wrote: revised
Window
Raindrop clings to a wire,
stretches fire through its glass.
The true burning form sets
amidst the silhouettes of buildings.
A couple sleep
to city ambiance slipping through curtains,
breathing face to face,
embraced.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson