Diana

[cjchaffin]

Hi, I've had my ipad crash and lose this crit twice so far. So forgive me if this comes off terse at points. I feel like I'm racing to hit submit.

I feel like your last three lines present a payoff that is worth going for, and one that can be developed. The main challenge with this poem is getting through the buildup.

Line comments below:

I paint her in summer sun,--I think summer sun is on the cliche line. Even if we give it a pass though it adds nothing. It's a throwaway modifier. You have August a few lines below, something more interesting than summer here
the midday breeze caressing--this is a bit at odds with the warm fingers line below.
Diana’s proud breasts,--while this line plays of the previous line break, proud breasts is a bit cliche. The main issue with it though is that you're using a modifier as shorthand for something that should probably be handled by concise imagery
warm fingers of August heat--heat is unneeded. Nice phrasing with the rest of the line
tracing circles over taut flesh.--trace might be stronger.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin--alabaster skin is extremely overused cliche
dimpled with shades of barest pink;--good phrasing here
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.--find a way to show mischief or simply cut the last too words as they are too telling
I ask her not to smile--I like the strophe break

but she does anyway.

I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

todd, no need to apologize. i like honesty, so please always feel free to hit hard with critique.

and i think you're spot-on with some of your suggestions. i've always felt that the last section was the strongest and the buildup was weak, that's why i posted it here to get some ideas for restructuring.

wonderful critique...thank you so much again.