Eyelids, edit 2

[danny_]

when i first saw this huge poem i wasn't sure... but i like it way more than i expected. nice imagery.

original is better (starts off more visual and drew me in). only thing i liked in edit was:
"And you could whistle quietly, just to see if anything close came closer."
except that this line in either version seems a little odd. i believe this poem is about either someone escaped from an asylum or someone faking to be crazy (let me know if i'm really wrong lol), so everything is very intense, but the idea of just standing whistling seems contrary. what's the point in making a whistling sound especially if the loud corn stalks were a noise already?

in my opinion, you're really close with this, just needs a polish and a little clarity.

Eyelids

Eyelids double title? nah

You could run into the field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance. stalks instead of leaves? nit
You would smell dust.
You would get tiny, itchy cuts. very nice
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and want to add a little drop of sweat clinging to forehead? something complimenting that humid still moment in the stalks?
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you, what a long line. a little problem with tense. "would be..." as if hasn't happened but then "betrays" as if happening.
and what if there are corn snakes?
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away. nice image.. echo-locate, just hearing the road sounds, but nice way to say it
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election. maybe decision instead. also you could stop twice seems like .. stopping twice
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.nah. it's too intense for that

You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
You could stare at a red object intensely, worrying about it.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons. i like all those lines except this one because i don't see how it relates to the central craziness

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.

You won't. not sure about using this twice so outstanding from other lines, also so close to the first one.

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you. good ending line!