Window

[Brownlie]

an older poem i have recently revised as example of what i have learned since joining the forum. i hope all the changes are good, i'm not entirely sure, but think so. it takes much time and reflection for a poem to mature. welcome full crit.

revised
Window
Raindrop clings to a wire,
stretches fire through its glass.
The true burning form sets
amidst the silhouettes of buildings.
A couple sleep
to city ambiance slipping through curtains,
breathing face to face,
embraced.

original
Any Given Window
Raindrop globe sparkles,
clings to wire,
stretches fire through its glass.

The true burning form
sets admist the silhouettes
of old buildings.

Cold, wet,
still moment;
only darkness
in any given window.

Or maybe two are
sleeping to the city ambience
breathing face to face,
embraced.

There are all sorts of conventions in poetry that I am unfamiliar with, but much of the language here seems to omit language that would give the text cohesion. For instance, Raindrop sounds choppy the way it's written. Just a quick note. Thanks for posting.