09-05-2014, 01:17 PM
i really really really want to like the edit. but i don't.
it's lacking the punch in the gut of the original version, the rawness that made me keep coming back to it several times before i offered critique.
the edit is tedious and slightly confusing.
for example:
like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--
i don't get that at all and i don't know why it's there.
what i do get is the feeling that you want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion rather than letting him get there on his own, which seems counterproductive to me and defeats the purpose of the wonderful images that you wove together in the original.
just my two cents. i hope you don't give up on this. it's worth revisiting.
it's lacking the punch in the gut of the original version, the rawness that made me keep coming back to it several times before i offered critique.
the edit is tedious and slightly confusing.
for example:
like a bat sticker,
like a dolphin sticker--
i don't get that at all and i don't know why it's there.
what i do get is the feeling that you want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion rather than letting him get there on his own, which seems counterproductive to me and defeats the purpose of the wonderful images that you wove together in the original.
just my two cents. i hope you don't give up on this. it's worth revisiting.