09-04-2014, 02:43 PM
"You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave. <--i don't think this line adds anything of value to this poem. do you really need it?
You won't. <--the repetition of this phrase feels gimmicky and forced, and frankly, it distracts from the strong narrative you have going. use it once or not at all, imho."
Good eye.
Eyelids
Eyelids
-- the doubled title looks like a typo. Correct unless the doubling is meaningful, which would be kinda cool
You could run into the field of corn.
--what field?
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
--upon or under?
--advance feels warlike. Is there a fight somewhere? If so, follow through. If not, revise/cut
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
--revise. The sensation of "tiny itchy cuts" could be rendered more immediately; eliminate the passive tense if possible
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
--what would? I assume "the totality of events and whatever's going on now," but why "it"? Why not "you"?
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you,
and what if there are corn snakes?
--betrays is prolly the wrong word. Find something meaning signals
--there's no such thing as corn snakes
----consider adding "and what if corn snakes are venomous"
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
--echo-locate? Are you a bat? A dolphin? Is this echo-location a thing people can do? Not necessary to resolve this, but consider resolving it
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an[d] pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election.
--queer?
--election?
----why not "strange choice"?
--I'm starting to wonder if the subjunctives are a weird code for actual indicatives . . .
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.
--seems totally out of place. What felt narrative feels suddenly random. Please revise or else make everything random. This line defeats me
You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
--wha???
You could stare at a red object
--what red object???
intensely, worrying about it.
--same question
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
--cool, but I'm jarred
You could wash off with pink soap.
--the hot-air-balloon-looking dispenser.
--washing off is a shame thing? Otw, we need a "so that"
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.
--funny
You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.
--good, but about what? Also, cool the contrast between crying out and deciding
You won't.
--won't what?
You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.
--lost me
You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl [who?] until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
--was she joyful already? Why?
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.
--carriage is an odd consideration here . . . So is what follows . . . Consider beefing this up. Otw cut it
You won't.
--won't what???
You'll continue not to have past lives,
--???
or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
--???
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.
--???
This ending is fun, but its mysteriousness seems to be effective only because it contrasts to the specified images of S1. I don't know what it means.
All--this is intended to be a mentally disabled man stealing a car and hiding in a cornfield after having attempted public masturbation. I didn't get the idea across. I'll try again!
You won't. <--the repetition of this phrase feels gimmicky and forced, and frankly, it distracts from the strong narrative you have going. use it once or not at all, imho."
Good eye.
Eyelids
Eyelids
-- the doubled title looks like a typo. Correct unless the doubling is meaningful, which would be kinda cool
You could run into the field of corn.
--what field?
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust.
--upon or under?
--advance feels warlike. Is there a fight somewhere? If so, follow through. If not, revise/cut
You would get tiny, itchy cuts.
--revise. The sensation of "tiny itchy cuts" could be rendered more immediately; eliminate the passive tense if possible
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and
--what would? I assume "the totality of events and whatever's going on now," but why "it"? Why not "you"?
you would be self-conscious because even though running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, it isn't done, and the rattling sound betrays you,
and what if there are corn snakes?
--betrays is prolly the wrong word. Find something meaning signals
--there's no such thing as corn snakes
----consider adding "and what if corn snakes are venomous"
You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
--echo-locate? Are you a bat? A dolphin? Is this echo-location a thing people can do? Not necessary to resolve this, but consider resolving it
You could stop mid-stride, and huff an[d] pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election.
--queer?
--election?
----why not "strange choice"?
--I'm starting to wonder if the subjunctives are a weird code for actual indicatives . . .
And you could whistle for an hour, there, just to see if something interesting could occur.
--seems totally out of place. What felt narrative feels suddenly random. Please revise or else make everything random. This line defeats me
You could pretend to be mad in a public place.
--wha???
You could stare at a red object
--what red object???
intensely, worrying about it.
--same question
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom.
--cool, but I'm jarred
You could wash off with pink soap.
--the hot-air-balloon-looking dispenser.
--washing off is a shame thing? Otw, we need a "so that"
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom for normal reasons.
--funny
You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.
--good, but about what? Also, cool the contrast between crying out and deciding
You won't.
--won't what?
You'll continue to not be on the roof of anything--your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.
--lost me
You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl [who?] until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
--was she joyful already? Why?
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.
--carriage is an odd consideration here . . . So is what follows . . . Consider beefing this up. Otw cut it
You won't.
--won't what???
You'll continue not to have past lives,
--???
or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
--???
You'll have this life, and shame,
and you'll try not to blink when they come for you.
--???
This ending is fun, but its mysteriousness seems to be effective only because it contrasts to the specified images of S1. I don't know what it means.
All--this is intended to be a mentally disabled man stealing a car and hiding in a cornfield after having attempted public masturbation. I didn't get the idea across. I'll try again!
A yak is normal.