09-04-2014, 11:17 AM
Erthona,
I enjoyed reading this. The sentimentality, commonality, and vernacular in the beginning made it feel authentic, and I wasn't expecting much, then when got to "off the plane" there were so many questions (but not too many) that I was pulled in and had to follow the narrative to figure it all out. When I saw a metaphor behind it all at the end it was a big surprise, and I was effected by it.
Now, that being said, notice the above paragraph is in past tense. I already know what happens so I probably won't read it again. I may share it with someone, but I won't come back to it one night by the fireplace in an armchair with a glass of wine, or whatever you kids are drinking these days. It is very prosaic and reads like flash fiction; good, concise flash fiction, and a nice succinct metaphor, but nonetheless, well written or not, there is not much texture--nothing in specific the word choice, rhythm, use of the line and breaks, sounds--nothing that engages the body and senses in a way that will make that original experience brand new, or bring it to life for me, again.
Thanks for posting.
I enjoyed reading this. The sentimentality, commonality, and vernacular in the beginning made it feel authentic, and I wasn't expecting much, then when got to "off the plane" there were so many questions (but not too many) that I was pulled in and had to follow the narrative to figure it all out. When I saw a metaphor behind it all at the end it was a big surprise, and I was effected by it.
Now, that being said, notice the above paragraph is in past tense. I already know what happens so I probably won't read it again. I may share it with someone, but I won't come back to it one night by the fireplace in an armchair with a glass of wine, or whatever you kids are drinking these days. It is very prosaic and reads like flash fiction; good, concise flash fiction, and a nice succinct metaphor, but nonetheless, well written or not, there is not much texture--nothing in specific the word choice, rhythm, use of the line and breaks, sounds--nothing that engages the body and senses in a way that will make that original experience brand new, or bring it to life for me, again.
Thanks for posting.