09-04-2014, 03:09 AM
Your rhyming suggest this is a Petrarchan sonnet, however the meter seems to not hold to IP: as a lot of the lines have words that are neutral, in terms of stress, but are placed where a stressed syllable should be.
"until I realzed light had fin'lly flown"
"realized" has three syllables with the first syllables being stressed, the next two being unstressed. One cannot make an iambic foot of that as the third syllable needs to be stressed, and it is not.
re-a-lized
There is also some problematic syntax, such as:
"whose ink and pages rotted dry as bone"
Plus the phrase "dry as a bone" is still a cliche despite your removal of the indirect article "a" which just makes it sound strange, not make it not a cliche.
"turned from white to gray" usually the pages yellow, not turn to gray.
...and if you are speaking symbolically, does this mean your girlfriend is old and gray?
I find the clarity obvious, but the meaning is less so.
The speaker spends most of the day with a science book, or his old and gray girlfriend, then finds a romance novel. I suppose that one could read this as, the speaker spends his day with his old and gray, scientist girlfriend until it gets dark, and she turns into a sex kitten. Of course if that is all the meaning, then I think the reader is short changed.
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On a positive note, I would say it is a valiant attempt at love poetry that avoids most of the oft' repeated phrases of that genre. So points for that.
Dale
"until I realzed light had fin'lly flown"
"realized" has three syllables with the first syllables being stressed, the next two being unstressed. One cannot make an iambic foot of that as the third syllable needs to be stressed, and it is not.
re-a-lized
There is also some problematic syntax, such as:
"whose ink and pages rotted dry as bone"
Plus the phrase "dry as a bone" is still a cliche despite your removal of the indirect article "a" which just makes it sound strange, not make it not a cliche.
"turned from white to gray" usually the pages yellow, not turn to gray.
...and if you are speaking symbolically, does this mean your girlfriend is old and gray?
I find the clarity obvious, but the meaning is less so.
The speaker spends most of the day with a science book, or his old and gray girlfriend, then finds a romance novel. I suppose that one could read this as, the speaker spends his day with his old and gray, scientist girlfriend until it gets dark, and she turns into a sex kitten. Of course if that is all the meaning, then I think the reader is short changed.
--------------------------------------------------------
On a positive note, I would say it is a valiant attempt at love poetry that avoids most of the oft' repeated phrases of that genre. So points for that.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.