Here

[RSaba]

I think the imagery used here is quite moving. You conjure up scenes easily with non-cliched description. I don't have much to say really but I hope these little edits and comments make sense. I'm a huge fan of this piece.

A cough of grey morning mist
is creeping outside the window and in the crowded cupboard.
Little did we know that the cat crying to be let inside
was caught in rain;
rain that falls in love with the present anonymously "anonymously" feels like an extra word here
and disappears at the sound of distant trains.

You woke up with that look I like
and I smiled back with maybe "through" would work better squinted eyes
like the sun was shining right here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual I'm feeling a line break here and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters. No need for "street" because gutters are on the street by definition.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late,
The don't need a capital here warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the ache of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving, your imprint on my mattress,
the calm that succeeds saying goodbye again, "succeeds" makes the sentence lose its meaning... what are you trying to convey here?
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still hanging about the modest field, modest? doesn't quite convey a strong enough image
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.

I kiss your forehead, missing you before you even leave,
pretending that I’m still here in this bed
amid sunbathing under a soft blue Spanish sky.