09-01-2014, 02:09 PM
cjchaffin (and, Lord, I hope that handle gets changed to something easier 
)
has a fair instinct, here. A lot of my comments are merely amplifications. That said, cjchaffin , go read The Tempest *now*. It was Shakespeare's final play and the only one with a completely novel plot. I recommend the Folger's edition.
Caliban
--I'll be unhappy if this isn't a metaphor. Literature about literature tends to be the result of writers block, and writers block tends to be the result of a writer who has forgotten how to have fun.
Good monster of the distant shore,
--great direct address comma! Would've been easy to mess that up
--"Good monster" directs me immediately to what this poem will be doing
fear not! I am no Prospero.
--Lost me. What would calobam be fearing? Prospero, yeah? Well, say, some version of "Fear not, I can't hurt you." If I know the play, I'll get it, and I'll get it if I don't.
I only wish to comfort you
--misplaced "only." You mean, I assume, "I wish only to comfort you."
in penance for my life’s regrets.
--bad. As is, the line reads, "I'm going to give this monster a shoulder to cry on because life regrets things and must make amends."
What would you have me do, dear sir,
to ease the ache of misplaced trust,
--this is close to nonsense.
to salve the wounds of wizardry?
--this is nonsense, bona fide. I'm damn near certain you mean, "to help you recover from the wounds the wizard caused." That's not what this says.
I’ve no resource you may desire[needs a dash or a colon]
no wealth or title to extort;
--extortion takes an object. Extort from who?
I trade in verse and images,
creating life from broken words.
--this is a bizarre sentence. I just spent 15 mins trying to figure what it might mean, and I could g do it.
My hands will craft a dream supreme,
a gift of vision with no end.
--lots of problems here. Primarily, it's that. "Crafting a supreme dream which is an infinite vision with your hands" sounds more like a grandiose delusion than an actual proposal, and neither grandiosity nor delusion has been a theme so far
I'll sing to you a lullaby, [and?]
--this line is almost 50% redundant. Why not "my lullaby"?
caress your brow with feathered quill.
--you can't caress with a feather. You can tickle, but . . .
Your tempest is away, good sir.
The time for sleep is now at hand.
--nice closer.
)has a fair instinct, here. A lot of my comments are merely amplifications. That said, cjchaffin , go read The Tempest *now*. It was Shakespeare's final play and the only one with a completely novel plot. I recommend the Folger's edition.
Caliban
--I'll be unhappy if this isn't a metaphor. Literature about literature tends to be the result of writers block, and writers block tends to be the result of a writer who has forgotten how to have fun.
Good monster of the distant shore,
--great direct address comma! Would've been easy to mess that up
--"Good monster" directs me immediately to what this poem will be doing
fear not! I am no Prospero.
--Lost me. What would calobam be fearing? Prospero, yeah? Well, say, some version of "Fear not, I can't hurt you." If I know the play, I'll get it, and I'll get it if I don't.
I only wish to comfort you
--misplaced "only." You mean, I assume, "I wish only to comfort you."
in penance for my life’s regrets.
--bad. As is, the line reads, "I'm going to give this monster a shoulder to cry on because life regrets things and must make amends."
What would you have me do, dear sir,
to ease the ache of misplaced trust,
--this is close to nonsense.
to salve the wounds of wizardry?
--this is nonsense, bona fide. I'm damn near certain you mean, "to help you recover from the wounds the wizard caused." That's not what this says.
I’ve no resource you may desire[needs a dash or a colon]
no wealth or title to extort;
--extortion takes an object. Extort from who?
I trade in verse and images,
creating life from broken words.
--this is a bizarre sentence. I just spent 15 mins trying to figure what it might mean, and I could g do it.
My hands will craft a dream supreme,
a gift of vision with no end.
--lots of problems here. Primarily, it's that. "Crafting a supreme dream which is an infinite vision with your hands" sounds more like a grandiose delusion than an actual proposal, and neither grandiosity nor delusion has been a theme so far
I'll sing to you a lullaby, [and?]
--this line is almost 50% redundant. Why not "my lullaby"?
caress your brow with feathered quill.
--you can't caress with a feather. You can tickle, but . . .
Your tempest is away, good sir.
The time for sleep is now at hand.
--nice closer.
A yak is normal.