Small Things

[danny_]

(2nd revision at top)
i'm pleasantly surprised how this poem has improved. i see the value of the forum. thanks for your feedback. i feel i've reached a point i might allow even harder crits because i see not just the advantage for the poem but for my mind as the writer.

now honestly this little poem could ditch the switch to the micro-organisms and continue on with that dragonfly and his lunch, or just stop to be short and sweet. right now it's this two-part thing which works but each part could probably be painted out into separate works.

thanks again billy

you'e done a great edit so far danny. i'd suggest at least one more, you can still prune some more. the first line is much better though the second line could be less and therefore more

Black shutter opens the scene;
a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans.

the above and below are suggestions for you to play around with or discard as you see fit. use something similar where you think it may help.
good stuff so far.

Revision:
Black shutter opens
to the scene of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans this is a good attempt at the simile i mention and works much better. it's something the reader can visualize.
His iridescent carapace is purple-green no need to say [him] [an] would make it more natural. [is purple green ] is sort of obvious as it means shining with many different colours. if you do want to use it try[ a purple-green] only use what you need to and leave some of the work to the reader.
in the macro lens-reflected light

Bristled with sparse whiskers
he penetrates the inferior
fly with his fangs
Closer we are drawn,
inward to micro-organisms
colonizing his body like countless
lifeforms on a planet;
a chaos of larvae and their predators.
Fat white worms cannot escape
agile spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

Original:
Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.