08-29-2014, 05:15 PM
Macro: the strength of this poem is threefold.
(1) it's scary,
(2) its narrative line is fun, and
(3) it dramatizes a familiar relationship moment: betrayal.
To realize the power, here, make each of those three better. Easy enough, right?
but take a second to think on how you'd do it. Now, here's my suggestions:
On (1) A "scare" is the sudden, unexpected solution of tension. A scare is rendered horrific when that solution is fearful. Altogether, tension + solution + fearful element = horrific. For instance: imagine a child riding a three-wheeler down a road. This is tension. The solution comes when the child is struck by a car. But it is not until a fearful element, such as blood, viscera, or inappropriate laughter, that the scene is rendered horrifying.
I'll leave it there with a "revise accordingly."
Frankenstein's Mistress
I did not fabricate this monster;
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn't stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
My suspicions arose
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
prior to your exile,
before you latched onto me.
From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
those honeydew words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve again and again. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind the body that's all curves.
I imbibed at first,
but have now fought off
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway. You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.
Better hurry darling,
angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.
(1) it's scary,
(2) its narrative line is fun, and
(3) it dramatizes a familiar relationship moment: betrayal.
To realize the power, here, make each of those three better. Easy enough, right?
but take a second to think on how you'd do it. Now, here's my suggestions:On (1) A "scare" is the sudden, unexpected solution of tension. A scare is rendered horrific when that solution is fearful. Altogether, tension + solution + fearful element = horrific. For instance: imagine a child riding a three-wheeler down a road. This is tension. The solution comes when the child is struck by a car. But it is not until a fearful element, such as blood, viscera, or inappropriate laughter, that the scene is rendered horrifying.
I'll leave it there with a "revise accordingly."
Frankenstein's Mistress
I did not fabricate this monster;
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn't stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
My suspicions arose
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
prior to your exile,
before you latched onto me.
From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
those honeydew words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve again and again. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind the body that's all curves.
I imbibed at first,
but have now fought off
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway. You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.
Better hurry darling,
angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.
A yak is normal.