First Date

[bob68]

Hey danny, the rules clearly state that you are to comment on the poem. We should not critique other folks feedback. Critique the poem through your eyes and keep your opinions of other's comments to yourself. The most inhibitory factor to giving excellent feedback is having another member debate yours. Let the author of the poem decide which reviewer they side with. I don't bother reading other comments when I decide to review a poem. However, I weigh all comments on my own work. Cheers/Chris

PS: So as not to high-jack the thread, my critique is below.
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First Date

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste;
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

WJames, I like the opening simile, but 'agonizing over every silence' seems off. Perhaps, 'agonizing through each silent moment' or something like it would capture the implied multiple mute moments.

Also, 'bleeding raw' has a similar odd syntax. I am not certain if you are maintaining a strict syllable count or meter, but, '...was bleeding, raw' or '...raw, bleeding' may suffice and not disturb your meter.

See what you think./Chris

Interesting piece. Here are a few teaks. See if this makes more sense. Nice piece you have here. The other stanzas are pretty goon IMO.

I squeezed conversation out
like emptying toothpaste,
agonizing over the silence.