Here

[cjchaffin]

hi aj. i think the biggest issue for me here are the bookends to your poem. they don't match the beauty of the material in between. if this were mine, i'd cut them out completely and save them for something else. there are some spots that sparkle here and i think they would shine even brighter if they weren't hampered by the less than stellar beginning and end.

*This is an edit of a shorter poem I had been working on earlier this summer and I can't seem to find the original piece. Let me know what you think!

Here

A cough of grey morning mist
is creeping outside the window and in the crowded cupboard.
Little did we know that the cat crying to be let inside
was caught in rain;
rain that falls in love with the present anonymously
and disappears at the sound of distant trains.

You woke up with that look I like <--i would start with this stanza, much stronger opening
and I smiled back with squinted eyes
like the sun was shining right here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual and the sky will not fall, do you need as usual? it's implied in later stanzas and is a bit wonky here
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late, <--yes yes yes, this whole stanza...yes
The warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the ache of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving, your imprint on my mattress, <--i don't really care for the mattress segment, it's cliche and you don't need it
the calm that succeeds saying goodbye again,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still hanging about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over. <--very original imagery, i like this very much

I kiss your forehead, missing you before you even leave, i would cut this and end with the previous stanza, let that brilliant image hang in the reader's mind
pretending that I’m still here in this bed
amid sunbathing under a soft blue Spanish sky.