down the rabbit hole

[cjchaffin]

drink me is fantastic.

S4, while i like the directness, was a bit too cliché toward the end. I dunno, I would do a rewrite on last 2 lines, but I try my best not to.\


mel the splaining my crit chick.

hahaha well i like that you came back to do some splaining. and feel free to rewrite anything you feel necessary, i'm always open to suggestion.

unless you suggest i listen to Celine Dion. that i simply cannot do.

---

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

Methinks you could tighten this up even more (e.g. "…one's neck:
'Drink me'") There are selected "and's" that could be deleted with some deftly placed semi-colons. This may help your "prose" style that's bugging you. Doesn't bug me in the slightest. I just don't like "extra" words.
The reason I say this is b/c both stanzas 3 & 4 have last lines that start with boring words (e.g. "that" / "and"). Need something to zing 'em a bit if you're attempting a Lewis Carroll.

Like the matter-of-factness of the divorce. Don't like the stained teeth of a "vintage" cabernet. The narrator doesn't come-off like he has that much class ("old" parquet?). A cheaper wine might be more his style. "Down the Rabbit Hole" is good. Does it matter that a female went down there in the analogy but here the gender isn't clear which one is going? Do like the ending. Classy and makes the poem come alive even while it's ending. Don't think it's cliche' at all.

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

thanks, 71. glad you enjoyed the read. and thank you making the points you did, i'm liking all of the perspectives that i'm getting on this...makes me want to come back with a stronger edit for sure. gracias.