down the rabbit hole

[bob68]

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed.

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge,
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me!

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top.

This is good stuff. I can't see anything I would change. Maybe a few nit picks, but it's not even worth mentioning. I know people expect some crit. but if it's right, it's right. I say pack it up in an envelope and send it out with the morning mail. Well done. Bravo.

awww c'mon, bob...mention the nits! i don't mail anything out until i've checked it and rechecked it til i'm blue in the face. but thank you for the vote of confidence, it is truly appreciated.

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This poem was very clear, and easy to read. You've got some interesting words that were fun for me to read, I dont know anything about wine lol. Anyway I left my 2cents and all. Thnx for sharing.

She told me over dinner one evening
that I should switch to white wine—
less tannins and calories, she claimed. If you had the text in quotes or something you could probably remove "She claimed" but idk if that woud add anything. I do like that "she claimed" is at the end of the line instead of the start. I also like all the "sh" in this stanza

I smiled and shook my head,
a vintage cabernet stubbornly clinging I had to look up cabernet, it kinda looks like cabinet but that wouldn't make any sense >.< I think vintage is a good adjective here it makes the drink seem dirty which helps the juxtaposition with the white teeth. I think this is good enjambement with clinging kind of clinging to the end of the line. You might not need stubbornly, just because clinging has that a little already. IDK. I cant unsee a vintage cabinet
to my bleached white teeth.

The next day I found a couple bottles
of chardonnay chilled in the fridge, Wines have cool names
a note tethered to one’s neck
that read Drink Me! I like this because its playful, and that makes the next stanza more poignant

I did not.
Four months later,
we signed divorce papers
and she packed her things. Im not sure this line adds anything to this stanza, it feels tacked on.

I drank the chardonnay that last night,
dizzied by the herringbone pattern another cool word, and it really brings the dizziness to life
of the old parquet floor, and I wondered
what would happen if I ate our frozen cake top. This ending is almost like a bad punch line but I mean that in a good way, it works real well imo

hey makeshift, thanks for the thoughtful review. and i giggled at the vintage cabinet comment, never realized how close those two are in spelling. i'm grateful for the feedback!

I'm the same way. I drive myself crazy going over everything till I just piss myself off and say,"that's it, I'm done!" I say a prayer and she's off to the races! Now that I re-read your piece a few times, it really is fine.