08-25-2014, 08:58 PM
Hello, I think you have an idea here, but it's lacking in delivery. It comes off as rather trite the way it stands now. I would suggest dropping the rhymes for starters. A few nice juicy verbs here and there wouldn't hurt either. I know it's hard. I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but you need to dig deeper to mine that gem. All the best, Bob--