08-24-2014, 01:23 PM
San Francisco, 1992
--this title is a miscue. it sets an expectation that time and place will matter, and then they don't. It's a wonderful opportunity to start your revision. Title it, at least temporarily, with the poem's central focus.
Curling tendrils of tobacco haze
--curling and tendrils is redundant. Consider revising into an active structure: "tendrils curl."
--note that tendrils does three things here:
----tells us the air is still. That means the crowd is sitting and there's not much movement in the place
----foreshadows the dancing
----introduces a vegetal meme/motif and a grasping, constrictor meme/motif
engulf the tiny space, hang
--to have tendrils engulfing something voids them; tendrils should capture or climb
--consider developing an octopod theme, playing with the tension between the image of an ocean predator and a benign plant
like ringlets over shots of whiskey
--cut "like". To be "like ringlets" is nonsensical. specifically, anything that is "like ringlets" is also ringlets
and mugs of warm beer.
--the construction here strikes me as non-idiomatic. not sure, but I think "warm mugs of beer" would be the standard phrasing.
A solitary dancer moves,
--"solitary" is understood. to illustrate, in order to make the dancer "not solitary," you'd have to say, "a dancer moves amid the crowd"
--here's where a poet's economy factors. we have, now, a still room with one moving thing: smoke. now here's a dancer moving, and nothing else is. you *must* tie her movement to the smoke. If you don't see why, ask me.
--"moves" requires me to do your work. Is the dancer female, for instance? I assume so, but I'm unassured. Is she sparkly, like an illusion, or possessed of gravitas? If I paint the picture, I will unfailingly be unsurprised by what the picture shows, and there is no drama in my lack of surprise.
bracelets janglin’ and eyes heavy
--jangling sounds are discordant, and I think that's not what you're after
--the sudden introduction of dialect is heavy handed. consider "jangle."
with kohl, she captures old men
--"heavy with kohl" is off. you want some version of "lined with kohl"
--captures and captivates aren't the same
in mid drink as her hips sway
--I think the sense here is that old men freeze in place, staring at her hips--that is not the picture actually painted. As is, her swaying hips are merely incidental, and cause nothing.
to Nina Simone.
--ditch the reference. "Nina Simone" breaks the seductive line by forcing me to search my head for the right Nina Simone song to have play. Instead, describe Nina Simone's singing.
Her bronze skin burns
with the hot stares of the audience.
--before, the hot states were from old men--why the change?
She soaks it all in, twirls on bare feet
--"soaks it all in" is what tourists do at the Louvre. She's not soaking it all in, she's receiving and converting it into emotion. What emotion?
as the high priestess of soul bewitches
us with heavy grooves.
--don't share power. The high priestess of soul doesn't exist. This dancer demotes all women.
I close my eyes, tap fingers against glass,
--you do? I thought this was beauty personified--why are you closing your eyes? that action frustrates the tension you've built, diffuses it
whisper Nina’s words into the smoke
and breathe them back in again.
This is jazz, I think out loud,
this is pure unadulterated heat.
--this final stanza is an absolute nonsequitur. It fails to conclude the narrative of the dancer. It'd be like saying, "there was this amazing thing happening, and so I close my eyes and think about when there wasn't any internet."
---good bones here. keep working it.
crow
I should say, too, this is a run-on:
A solitary dancer moves,
bracelets janglin’ and eyes heavy
with kohl, she captures old men
in mid drink as her hips sway
to Nina Simone.
If you're open to suggestion, I'd like to see this. The smoke moves, the dancer moves, the crowd is frozen, then you move and she responds to your movement. With everything so still, I imagine the narrator's inciting motion would be quite subtle, and then the question is, is her response proportional or not?
--this title is a miscue. it sets an expectation that time and place will matter, and then they don't. It's a wonderful opportunity to start your revision. Title it, at least temporarily, with the poem's central focus.
Curling tendrils of tobacco haze
--curling and tendrils is redundant. Consider revising into an active structure: "tendrils curl."
--note that tendrils does three things here:
----tells us the air is still. That means the crowd is sitting and there's not much movement in the place
----foreshadows the dancing
----introduces a vegetal meme/motif and a grasping, constrictor meme/motif
engulf the tiny space, hang
--to have tendrils engulfing something voids them; tendrils should capture or climb
--consider developing an octopod theme, playing with the tension between the image of an ocean predator and a benign plant
like ringlets over shots of whiskey
--cut "like". To be "like ringlets" is nonsensical. specifically, anything that is "like ringlets" is also ringlets
and mugs of warm beer.
--the construction here strikes me as non-idiomatic. not sure, but I think "warm mugs of beer" would be the standard phrasing.
A solitary dancer moves,
--"solitary" is understood. to illustrate, in order to make the dancer "not solitary," you'd have to say, "a dancer moves amid the crowd"
--here's where a poet's economy factors. we have, now, a still room with one moving thing: smoke. now here's a dancer moving, and nothing else is. you *must* tie her movement to the smoke. If you don't see why, ask me.
--"moves" requires me to do your work. Is the dancer female, for instance? I assume so, but I'm unassured. Is she sparkly, like an illusion, or possessed of gravitas? If I paint the picture, I will unfailingly be unsurprised by what the picture shows, and there is no drama in my lack of surprise.
bracelets janglin’ and eyes heavy
--jangling sounds are discordant, and I think that's not what you're after
--the sudden introduction of dialect is heavy handed. consider "jangle."
with kohl, she captures old men
--"heavy with kohl" is off. you want some version of "lined with kohl"
--captures and captivates aren't the same
in mid drink as her hips sway
--I think the sense here is that old men freeze in place, staring at her hips--that is not the picture actually painted. As is, her swaying hips are merely incidental, and cause nothing.
to Nina Simone.
--ditch the reference. "Nina Simone" breaks the seductive line by forcing me to search my head for the right Nina Simone song to have play. Instead, describe Nina Simone's singing.
Her bronze skin burns
with the hot stares of the audience.
--before, the hot states were from old men--why the change?
She soaks it all in, twirls on bare feet
--"soaks it all in" is what tourists do at the Louvre. She's not soaking it all in, she's receiving and converting it into emotion. What emotion?
as the high priestess of soul bewitches
us with heavy grooves.
--don't share power. The high priestess of soul doesn't exist. This dancer demotes all women.
I close my eyes, tap fingers against glass,
--you do? I thought this was beauty personified--why are you closing your eyes? that action frustrates the tension you've built, diffuses it
whisper Nina’s words into the smoke
and breathe them back in again.
This is jazz, I think out loud,
this is pure unadulterated heat.
--this final stanza is an absolute nonsequitur. It fails to conclude the narrative of the dancer. It'd be like saying, "there was this amazing thing happening, and so I close my eyes and think about when there wasn't any internet."
---good bones here. keep working it.
crow
I should say, too, this is a run-on:
A solitary dancer moves,
bracelets janglin’ and eyes heavy
with kohl, she captures old men
in mid drink as her hips sway
to Nina Simone.
If you're open to suggestion, I'd like to see this. The smoke moves, the dancer moves, the crowd is frozen, then you move and she responds to your movement. With everything so still, I imagine the narrator's inciting motion would be quite subtle, and then the question is, is her response proportional or not?
A yak is normal.