not too bad, i felt it a little wordy in places but on the whole i enjoyed the silence and frustration within it.
(08-20-2014, 01:36 PM)Wjames Wrote: I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste; is there such a thing as empty toothpaste?
agonizing over every silence.
Her smile seemed as forced as my words, seemed is often unnecessary i think it is here, the two as's also feel a little awkward, a suggestion would be to lose the first [as] and change the second [as] for [like]
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.
The steak was bleeding raw, not shore if raw adds anything, raw/rare steak is a known bleeder already.
and I felt I was the cow [like the cow] would get rid of i was
as she made the first cut. a decent finish that captures the crux of the poem. it shows us first dates can be painful