< aubade of vengeance >

[rayheinrich]

                    < aubade of vengeance >
               
                as dawn was busy breaking
                i was too
                and into pieces <--- The 'and' kind of breaks the tempo
                peace reigns o'er us now
                or o'er me at least <-- the second o'er seems redundant
                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                a dawn so barely broke
                and i have broken it
                have beaten it to death
                how sharper than a serpent's tooth <-- I don't think the 'how' is necessary here.
                these razor'd pieces scattered out
                on virgin carpet flower'd red
                a peace reigns o'er us now
                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                it's clanging never more to dread
                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead <-- I suggest reading it aloud. I read it both with the fall'n and failing and the latter seemed to help it flow a little better in my ear.
                                    - - -
               


Short Explication:
Out, damn'd alarm clock! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.

Hi rayheinrich.

Overall I liked it. I think it need some punctuation and there are a few times that the rhythm seems to get broken. I think with a few edits it would come out quite nice.

Those words were necessary because it's all in iambic feet (with two splits).
The bold syllables are the accented (stressed) ones.
It's supposed to be run together so it reads breathlessly.

The main problem is I failed utterly at communicating the intent of the poem.
It's supposed to be about getting mad at an alarm clock, smashing it, and cutting yourself in the act.
It's exaggerated and archaic because that was supposed to be funny.
When "funny" fails, it fails painfully. Back to the drawing board.

This is a good example of the writer knowing something (alarm clock/funny)
and failing to communicate it to the reader.

Thanks for your comments.

                               
                                < aubade of vengeance >
                               
                                as dawn was busy breaking
                                i was too
                                and into pieces                 <--- The 'and' is needed to make "and in" an iamb foot
                                peace reigns o'er us now
                                or over me it does                 <-- yes that second "o'er" was supposed to be an "over"
                                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                                a dawn so barely broke
                                and i have broken it
                                have beaten it to death
                                how sharper than a serpent's tooth         <--- The 'how' is needed to make "how sharp" an iamb foot
                                these razored pieces scattered out
                                a peace reigns o'or us now
                                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                                its clanging never more to dread
                                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead         <--- The one syllable "fall'n" is needed to make "fall'n si"an iamb foot
                               
                                - - -