< aubade of vengeance >

[UberWilhelm]

(oops, posted in misc. by mistake)



                    < aubade of vengeance >
               
                as dawn was busy breaking
                i was too
                and into pieces <--- The 'and' kind of breaks the tempo
                peace reigns o'er us now
                or o'er me at least <-- the second o'er seems redundant
                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                a dawn so barely broke
                and i have broken it
                have beaten it to death
                how sharper than a serpent's tooth <-- I don't think the 'how' is necessary here.
                these razor'd pieces scattered out
                on virgin carpet flower'd red
                a peace reigns o'er us now
                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                it's clanging never more to dread
                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead <-- I suggest reading it aloud. I read it both with the fall'n and failing and the latter seemed to help it flow a little better in my ear.
               
                                    - - -
               


Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified

Short Explication:

Out, damn'd alarm clock! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.

Hi rayheinrich.

Overall I liked it. I think it need some punctuation and there are a few times that the rhythm seems to get broken. I think with a few edits it would come out quite nice.